In Case of Emergency...

So Teagan and I have spent a majority of the past month or so watching "scary" movies. Initially it was for fun, but somehow it became an investigatory practice; attempting to find the best ways to kill a zombie or befriend Sasquatch or survive a night in freak infested hills. Although we haven't quite mastered all of these techniques, we have come up with a handy list of emergency items that you all should have on hand. We'd share ours, but in true horror movie fashion, you can't trust anyone but yourself.

Crowbar - essential and multipurpose, you can use it to kill things, break in to things, etc.

German Shepard - good for warning you of oncoming danger and some element protection, only catch, if there are zombies its very likely he will turn into one and you'll have to kill him.

Baseball Bat- (wooden or metal) blunt objects usually come in handy, added bonus of wooden: if it breaks it can most likely be used as a stake.

Wooden Stake - In true Buffy the Vampire Slayer style, everyone should have a Mr. Stake-y

Silver Bullet (sans the gun)- we're just going to throw it really fast and hope that works, guns are never a good idea, you usually wind up shooting the wrong person.

Crossbow- Although it has the risk of being very heavy, it could be an effective tool and is worth considering

Bible/cross/holy water (and various other religious materials)- can come in handy when battling the vampires also useful in determining possession and attempting exorcisms

Garlic- Vampires and seasoning.

Duct Tape (possibly red)- well for obvious reasons of fixing everything or constructing items out of, it is also useful for sealing windows and doors to keep out "the fog" or, in the case of red duct tape, an evil man-eating computer virus ala Pulse

Rope/Rope Latter- living on the second floor we feel this is necessary, rather than risk jumping out the window and trying to gimp along with a broken leg. Rope also always comes in handy (see: Boondock Saints)

Salt - although I'm not quite sure about this one, I believe you can make a circle of salt around yourself and keep out evil (Hocus Pocus?) also, like garlic, good for seasoning post-apocalyptic food

Flashlight/batteries- we toyed with the idea of a lantern, seeing as batteries are unreliable and ghosts like to screw with electronics, but lanterns always get dropped/knocked over and cause a huge fire, which we aren't willing to risk.

Glowsticks- flashlight backup, especially very large ones. Also, if the situation miraculously clears up, we're ready to rave.

Backpack/Duffle Bag- To carry all necessary items from this list, the duffle bag seems a bit bulky to carry but can also hold more, so its a trade off.

Face/Gas Masks- in case of zombie infection any sort of open contact with a one will infect you, even if a stray blood droplet makes its way into your eyeball you are going to become one of the undead, best to cover all your bases (and holes)

Shiny Leather Cat Suits with Waterproof Running Boots- leather is a tough material and is therefore pretty useful in protecting you against bites and scratches, if your sleeves are big enough you can even be shot at without actually being shot- you may say why can't you just wear a leather jacket and leather pants, and to that we say: because cat suits are way sexier.

Nonperishable Food Items (Ready-to-Eat-Meals), beef jerky, twinkies- In case you need to be holed up somewhere for an extended period of time, it's always good to have stores of food, if you are outside your living area we recommend making your way to the super market (make sure it's clear of zombies) or to your local bar. Beef jerky comes in handy when befriending Sasquatch. Twinkies will survive nuclear fall out.

Bottled Water- when most of the world goes nuts and is zombified there is very little chance of running water, so it's a good idea to have stores of that as well. Also in case of aliens, its a good idea, because in some cases they've been seen to be susceptible to melting (wicked witches also)

Med Kit- highly unlikely there will be a doctor around, learn some first aid while you're at it.

Some form of Night Vision - the lights will go out, you will not be able to see. This may be costly but it'll be worth it. Try to avoid night vision cameras, if you have a camera and you are using it, chances are someone will be watching your grisly death on it at some point in the future.

Informational Tome Bound in Leather- we're not sure what kind of tome (just make sure it doesn't have an eye on the cover), but one that provides lots of information on everything from demons to local history to survival techniques to poisonous snake identifications.

Music via iPod or Guitar- Music often soothes savage beasts (3 Headed Dogs included) so it should come in handy, just be sure not to listen to that iPod yourself because you then will not be able to hear whatever is sneaking up behind you.

Solar Panels- for electricity, I suppose. I'm not really sure why they're on the list but they seem necessary.

Lighter Fluid and matches/lighter/flint- in case you need to set anything/anyone on fire. Explosions are a good way to scare things off and/or kill them. Although it didn't seem to work in The Birds.

Vodka.

Swiss Army Knife- like every good boy scout, you too should have one.

A Hummer complete with extra gas- A military version of the Hummer is great to have for an emergency, you can run things down in it, hide in it, get away in it. The extra gas is key though, because you don't want to break down or have to stop at some creepy desert gas station where the owner is in cahoots to have you killed and eaten.

Dry Ice Source- in case of liquid terminator or blob attack.

Germ-filled Water Balloon- best if thrown at aliens who are not resistant to our bacteria. The common cold will do, don't want to risk dying yourself.

Grappling Hook- always comes in handy for a lofty getaway.

Satellite Phone- it is inevitable that your basic wireless provider, with whom you get service in every other spot on this planet, will not function when you most need it to. For this reason, the satellite phone is necessary. It doesn't need an earthly signal.

Herbivorous Birds (preferably a flock)- Birds, like dogs, KNOW when danger is coming. When the flock suddenly gets up and starts flying the hell away, its best to follow suit.

Canaries- in case of carbon monoxide (one of my biggest fears), don't get attached though, the freaks will probably eat them.

Bunker- an underground, secured lair is necessary. We toyed with the idea of having two exits but it may be risky. Also the funneling in of enemies is much easier to combat than battling on two fronts (see: Germany, WWI).

That's all we've got, as far as supplies are concerned, but we have learned a little bit more from our extensive research. Here are a few notes of survival:

NO BONING ALLOWED!! - If you have sex, you will die.

Be Cool- Emotional freak outs get you no where and if you do have one, chances are your death is quickly approaching.

DO NOT take shortcuts or directions from strangers - You will get lost. They are trying to kill you.

DO NOT get off major roads - those unpaved back roads are a recipe for disaster.

DO NOT travel through desert or forest - there are things living in these areas that you do not want to fuck with.

DO NOT split up - as we learned in kindergarten the buddy system is always best. Singletons are usually among the first to go.

Don't Disturb: burial grounds, Sasquatch territory, or items that don't belong to you - and for your own sake don't remove anything, it will unearth evil and you will be chased down and killed for taking it.

Learn how to Kill Bill, escape from buried coffin, and some sort of martial arts defense system.

Don't cry wolf or play pranks. The second you do that, you're done for.



Hopefully, if you follow these rules, I'll see you after the Apocalypse.